I give.

The truth of the matter is that I really have no idea what is going to happen in the next 3 months, outside of my sister and in-laws coming to visit, followed by a trip to the beach. I'm stoked about all three of those items. But I am not excited about the unknown....today...I could be totally ok with it tomorrow. Daddy is really motivated to search for a job, so he's looking in the local area. Hopefully something will come up that will be a good fit for him and will bring him some joy and contentment (and enough money for us to live on while I go to school). After all these years of grad school and career misery, he deserves some joy and contentment. I've decided to apply everywhere for school and to apply for every scholarship I think I might qualify for. Because why the hell not? We'll see what happens. Thats the story of my life: We'll see what happens or if we change our minds or if something that happens to predetermine our destiny or if we just plain flake out. Whatevs, I give.

Springing Upward

I keep waiting on something bad to happen....nothing so far this week. We signed all the paperwork for our car loan at the on campus branch of our bank. Easy cheesy.

Next will be to finish some of the yard work I started the night before last. Then I'm going to sand and paint my china hutch. Then some hardcore cleaning. Like taking up the rug in the living room and scrubbing the floors on hands and knees, wiping down all the baseboards and dusting the ceilings type of cleaning. Its a process that my husband knows nothing about as his parents spoiled him as a child. I wouldn't trust him to any of that work, so I'll be doing that myself. Nothing like a good house cleaning to cleanse your spirit.

Here's the new car. Is it just me or are you seeing these things everywhere? We see them now like every 100 cars or so.

Yes, its this color too. We'll never be able to slide by the cops now. But it is really fun to drive.

So, I'm going to attempt to attend another roller derby practice this weekend as the last time I tried it was a bust. They were apparently out of town at a bout but no body told me! Thats ok though, it ended up being a fun outing with Kim and Shawn. Good times.

Petit Bebe has had yet another day-care contracted illness: Fifth Disease. Its a virus. It resulted in a fever and a few long nights and is ending with little spots on her trunk. Its like a rash but its about all gone now. Poor kid. I'm ready for her to start feeling and acting normal.

We're going to make it after alllllll.

The Hot List

So, the last 3 weeks about killed me/us. Let me give you the shit list of whats and whys.

1. The family truckster died while my husband was driving the baby home one afternoon. I had to not go to class, pick them up and take them home, call for a tow and run back for the second half of my class. Result? Ebay car= Totally Dead.

2. The rental car cost us about 300 because we don't have awesome insurance. But at least the tow is covered

3. This week my little granny mobile died. It died the day we were going to take the rental back. So lucky for us we got to spend another hundred and keep the rental for two days. So I had it towed to find out that it just needs some tune-up love. So long another 300.

4. We went to pick up the granny mobile so that we could return the rental...only to find out that it had been towed to a different location, one that I didn't realize existed...that is conveniently located across town! So we drove over there, got the car, drove all the way back across town to drop off the rental and get to work late. Luckily I work for nice peeps.

5. I took the big CNA test on Monday. I won't know if I passed for 6 weeks. But lucky for me I spent an entire day being really nervous and sick to my stomach. I really have no idea how I did. We'll see. At least it is all behind me. I am walking away with some new friends, a great learning experience and an important beginning to my education.

6. Taxes. We've been so wrapped up in everything else that taxes have slipped our minds, kind of. We got them submitted last night only to find out this morning that they were rejected due to an error. Hoo-fucking-ray. I corrected them this morning adn resubmitted. We'll see what the fall-out of this ends up being, outside of the 200 extra dollars we now owe.

7. So my husband found a car located in Cincinnati, used, warranty, good price, etc. So we hopped in the car on Sunday morning and made the 1.5 hour drive up there only to get there and find out that someone had bought it 30 minutes before we got there. Awesome.

8. We found a replacement car, newer with warranty (!), in WV. So we're off to get it this weekend. But we're not counting this as a win until we are actually home in KY with both cars, working.

9. The other night, I was walking back to the living room with my light ice cream and laptop. Guess what I dropped and broke? It wasn't the ice cream!

Over all, we have our health and each other. But the stress of the money shit is about to kill me. I'm ready for a break from life. I'm ready for something different. Calgon, take me away. No, seriously. Get me the fuck out of here.

Spiraling.

I think I’m going through my mid-life crisis now. They say that girls mature before boys do, I guess I’m getting this early as well. I have many, many thoughts running through my brain. Last week, life kind of came to a head. Let me tell you about it.

We’ve decided to pull the reigns back on moving. It’s something that we definitely want to do, but it doesn’t make sense for us to move our exact same living situation to another state. We should move when we either have some money saved up, I have my degree or he has some killer job opportunity. Right now, we don’t have either of those things. So Kentucky it is for a while. I can live with that. He will also find a full time job. Time to get our financial situation in a more comfortable place.

The part that I’m struggling with is the part where we can’t afford for me to take a year off of work and go to school. I was angry and depressed about it for a few days, but my emotions are starting to level off again. I have a meeting with my advisor tomorrow. We’ll see what he says about the possibility of me starting the nursing program in a part time status (which just about everyone has said isn’t possible). I really don’t want to take a large loan out (35K) so that I can go to school for a year to help cover our living expenses. One year of school=35K in debt. Not sold on it yet. We have no debt right now, outside of our mortgage, but that doesn’t really count.

Whine time: I am really disappointed that I’ve found something that I’m completely passionate about, but I cannot dive in to school as I’d hoped I’d be able to. I have to continue on this path that will take me years to complete it and lots of time away from the baby. Eight years ago we had this conversation when we first moved in together: I would work and pay the bills and he’d finish his degree. Then I could do whatever I wanted to do. I’ve tried different things, but this is the one. Nursing/healthcare is my true passion and calling. I haven’t gotten this excited about something since my dreams of the recording industry back in high school. Actually, I was never this excited about the recording industry and believe me, that’s saying something. But now we have a mortgage, a baby and he still has not completed his thesis. Going back to work on it after a year has proved more challenging that he originally thought. What makes all of this a bit worse is that the job I’m currently in is painfully, soul crushingly boring. When I took this job, I knew it was a paygrade lower than my previous. But I thought that for sure they would give me more responsibility as they got used to my pace, talents and skills (I’ve been doing this job since I graduated college, I’m good at it). But alas, my boss is reluctant to give up some of the things that would soooo make her life easier and that I’m completely capable of. And here I am, 6 months later, bored out of my fucking skull. And don’t get me wrong, I do have some things to do, they are just boring. My favorite thing to do at the moment is to run the mail. Because I get to leave the office and have some social time with the crazy mail ladies in the basement of the hospital (love them). That’s the other part that is hard. There really is no one here that I can relate to or be social with in any sort of real, consistent way. If it wasn’t for the two people I GoogleTalk with all day, I’d lose my freaking mind. And when they are both not available, I kind of do. I almost had a nice chatty thing going with a nice lab tech guy down the street, but I think I scared him off. WTF?

So I don’t know what to think. I’m angry. I’m disillusioned. I’m depressed. I’m lost.

So let this be a warning to all you young whipper-snappers. Made good, sound decisions about your career of choice, it’ll save you some pain in about 10 years. Maybe. The end. Thank god for Roller Derby…saving my soul and coming soon to this blog.