Spiraling.

I think I’m going through my mid-life crisis now. They say that girls mature before boys do, I guess I’m getting this early as well. I have many, many thoughts running through my brain. Last week, life kind of came to a head. Let me tell you about it.

We’ve decided to pull the reigns back on moving. It’s something that we definitely want to do, but it doesn’t make sense for us to move our exact same living situation to another state. We should move when we either have some money saved up, I have my degree or he has some killer job opportunity. Right now, we don’t have either of those things. So Kentucky it is for a while. I can live with that. He will also find a full time job. Time to get our financial situation in a more comfortable place.

The part that I’m struggling with is the part where we can’t afford for me to take a year off of work and go to school. I was angry and depressed about it for a few days, but my emotions are starting to level off again. I have a meeting with my advisor tomorrow. We’ll see what he says about the possibility of me starting the nursing program in a part time status (which just about everyone has said isn’t possible). I really don’t want to take a large loan out (35K) so that I can go to school for a year to help cover our living expenses. One year of school=35K in debt. Not sold on it yet. We have no debt right now, outside of our mortgage, but that doesn’t really count.

Whine time: I am really disappointed that I’ve found something that I’m completely passionate about, but I cannot dive in to school as I’d hoped I’d be able to. I have to continue on this path that will take me years to complete it and lots of time away from the baby. Eight years ago we had this conversation when we first moved in together: I would work and pay the bills and he’d finish his degree. Then I could do whatever I wanted to do. I’ve tried different things, but this is the one. Nursing/healthcare is my true passion and calling. I haven’t gotten this excited about something since my dreams of the recording industry back in high school. Actually, I was never this excited about the recording industry and believe me, that’s saying something. But now we have a mortgage, a baby and he still has not completed his thesis. Going back to work on it after a year has proved more challenging that he originally thought. What makes all of this a bit worse is that the job I’m currently in is painfully, soul crushingly boring. When I took this job, I knew it was a paygrade lower than my previous. But I thought that for sure they would give me more responsibility as they got used to my pace, talents and skills (I’ve been doing this job since I graduated college, I’m good at it). But alas, my boss is reluctant to give up some of the things that would soooo make her life easier and that I’m completely capable of. And here I am, 6 months later, bored out of my fucking skull. And don’t get me wrong, I do have some things to do, they are just boring. My favorite thing to do at the moment is to run the mail. Because I get to leave the office and have some social time with the crazy mail ladies in the basement of the hospital (love them). That’s the other part that is hard. There really is no one here that I can relate to or be social with in any sort of real, consistent way. If it wasn’t for the two people I GoogleTalk with all day, I’d lose my freaking mind. And when they are both not available, I kind of do. I almost had a nice chatty thing going with a nice lab tech guy down the street, but I think I scared him off. WTF?

So I don’t know what to think. I’m angry. I’m disillusioned. I’m depressed. I’m lost.

So let this be a warning to all you young whipper-snappers. Made good, sound decisions about your career of choice, it’ll save you some pain in about 10 years. Maybe. The end. Thank god for Roller Derby…saving my soul and coming soon to this blog.