Woman on the Verge of Nervous Breakdown.

This weekend was rough.

Saturday, after my sister in law decided to bail on baby sitting for a few hours so she could get a hair cut, I cleaned the house. I decided that I had to take our older car in for an oil change as it desperately needed attention. Daddy had planned a music date with a few new people, so it would be me and Bebe. When I went to start the car the battery was yet again dead. So, Derek helped me jump it and Bebe and I were on our way for what I had hoped would be an afternoon of fun.

I knew they'd give me a long wait time when I dropped off the car at Walmart, but I didn't really have a number in my head. I pulled into the little line of cars at the garage entrance. I decided to turn the car off and then back on to see if it would start. Of course it didn't start so I decided to bite the bullet and buy a battery as well. After waiting on the little guy to come out and check us in for a good 10 minutes, I decided to gather our stuff and Bebe and head on in to get things rolling. 3-4 hours was what he predicted. I signed on the little electronic screen and we were on our way. I had to make a return to Lowes, so I loaded Bebe into her stroller and headed over, as it was right next door. After that, we decided to head to a little shopping center behind Walmart and run into Marshalls and the Dollar Tree for fun. After that sucked (too many rude people, isles too small to maneuver) I decided to make the almost one mile trek to the Mall. Bebe was great in the stroller. We talked and sang on the way over.

When we got to the mall, our first stop was was the play area that is always infested with overly active kids that leap over, under and around. Its Bebe's favorite thing to do at the mall. She climbs and plays with Mama on all of the fun toys. I love watching her around, attempting to flirt with the other kids. She just kind of thoughtfully dives in. We played for a good while and then it was time for a diaper change. The bathroom close by was closed for cleaning, so we went to the cleanest one in the mall in Macy's. This is about the time I lost it. I remember on the way to Macy's, I just felt so alone and tired and had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I could feel the tears coming, but I worked hard to fight it because people were starting to look. Just trying to maneuver around the make-up counters and Christmas crap and the people in the front of the store was maddening. We finally made it in and being able to pick up and hold Bebe for a few seconds was good to steady me. I think she knows when I need her to be on her best. I asked Bebe if she wanted a pretzel or Cupcake, because either way we deserved a treat on this day of days. We decided on a pretzel...because I couldn't find the dang cupcake stand. Bebe was super tired and was sucking the thumb and a little grumpy. After walking almost the entire mall, greasy pretzel and bottle of water in hand, trying to find a chair to rest and eat in, I found a corner right outside Baby gap to stand and eat my pretzel...and cry. Yes, more tears! I was a hot mess. I basically cried off and on all afternoon. We eventually found a bench outside with one spot for my butt to rest before making our 1 mile hike back to Walmart. I let Bebe out of the stroller and she finally had a piece of pretzel and water.

The walk back to Walmart was chilly and windy, but that didn't keep Bebe, giant fuzzy teddy bear in arm, from falling fast asleep on the way. She was beat. Mama was beat but relieved for her to take a nap. We went and sat in the waiting room for a while so she could sleep and so I could rest. I grabbed a few groceries before going back to stand in line to hear what the damage was on the car. Then the best thing happened. The nice check out guy told me that they found a cheaper battery and installed that one. $45 instead of 75, no battery install fee. And, when I turned the key, the car started. We snuggled and watched Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and shared a pudding cup immediately upon our arrival at home.

The only conclusion I can come to is that my emotional state on Saturday was part chemical, part stress. Its just been building at an incredible rate lately what with money being tight, my job ending, school starting, my husband going back to part time hours and no current full time prospects and the lack of assistance I have on the home front. I do have some, I really do, but not enough. Too much is currently resting on my shoulders and my back is starting to break. I wish I was exaggerating, but when I think about it all and start doing the math, there is no other result but despair and rage. I'm starting to wonder if i need to head back to therapy, but that ultimately won't fix things unless things get better at home. I guess its family meeting time.

The end.