I used to work in a place filled with negativity and sadness. I worked there for about 3 years and then I got lucky and managed to claw my way out. I had to leave a few brothers behind, and they deal with being there very differently. One has the ability to shrug it off (most of the time) and decide not to care. Its a great quality to have in situations like these. Its one that I tried over and over, but was unable to attain. The other friend has been there far too long. The negativity is like a cancer that is deep in his bones. He needs to get out of there like there is no tomorrow. So now lets shift this back to me.
I must confess that I find myself, on regular (sometimes daily) occasions thinking about my former manager. I relive conversations, I have imaginary conversations with my current management explaining why they shouldn't hire this person into this department (just in case, I'll be ready?), I practice my attempt to be honest but to not defame this person or "make it personal." Imagine, if you will, all of the energy that is stolen from me by this inability to shake this persons effect on my life. I don't want to think about this person, I don't want to dream about this person and I sure as hell don't ever want to actually see this person again. Ever. It is extremely rare for me to feel actual hate for someone. Afterall, we're all human and imperfect, right? Everyone deserves a fair shake because we never really know what someone else is thinking or feeling in any given situation or what they have just been through in their personal life. But I feel it and it must be so. I'm a hater and that makes me sad.
And so, for my friends that are still there, I'll do my best to listen and support them in the struggle to find employment elsewhere. And although it always brings up all those old feelings and the hating, I can't not be there for my friends. So, I'll just continue to listen and work really hard at stopping those thoughts and moving past them to the things that matter most. Like playing with the baby, and christmas cookies, and whatever is happening right here and now. And eventually I won't remember this persons dumb face and mannerisms (was that too big of a word?) and not think about him/her at all. Ever, ever again.
Happy Hanukah,
Molly
2 comments:
Good post - very deep. I don't think you hate this person. It's not something you naturally do. I think you have moments of hating what this person did to you and continues to do to others. I also think you have a small bit of survivor's trauma. This person was/is a very dark individual, but pretends to be sweetness and nice. He/she also brings out the worst in others. For those of us left behind, reaching out to you can often be a lifeline because we are still in the battle. We want to believe we too can escape. One day soon this person will be exorcised from your psyche. God willing, ours too.
Oh, god, yes. The vampires of the soul can stay with us a VERY long time.
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