This is me.

This is me. This is me forcing myself to write something. This is me forcing myself to take some time for me. This is me allowing myself to feel ok today.

I've had this blog a long ass time. I haven't written anything down for two years. Its been a long, hard two years. I'm not saying my life has been in shambles, but its been hard.

In the last two years, I've gotten divorced and remarried. My dad, grandfather and grandmother died. Then a shocker last summer when my SIL's husband died. Myself and bebe have moved three times. Some reality TV putz was somehow elected president and is making a mockery of our country, undoing a lot of good things the previous did. There is violent political turmoil. So much so that my wife started having panic attacks. My job is literally killing me, I'm overweight and have hypertension. I've reached a point at work where I never wanted to be: Dead Inside. This is someone who changed her whole life around and took on thousands of dollars in debt to do this job, but its a constant disappointment. Love the work and my patients, but don't love the politics. I don't think I've experienced more disillusionment and depressive episodes in my life than I have this year so far. Fuck!

I feel constant judgement from my former partner and his family. I was never sure if it was real or in my head, but now I know its definitely real. And that all recently came to a head when, granted, I made a really dumb decision. And I made it based on my inability to communicate with him/them or my wife. I won't go into details about that decision but it made for a really terrible week in my family's life that I'd like to forget. But I won't forget it because it kind of brought me back online as a human, wife and mother. All this life trauma has had me in a bit of a fog. I've been unable to be present. I've failed myself, my kid, my wife, my family. I've been unable to create a damn thing; not a pie, granny square or drawing. Including a few simple words on this blog.  I have so many stories to share, but can't get them through the mud for a clear, simple tale. All this has left me as a person with no outlet. All humans need some way to get it all out and I felt like I'd lost it.

I'm digging myself out. Day by day. Up and out of the damn hole. Life is hard sometimes, then it gets better. Then it gets hard again, then better again.  That's just how life is, right? That's what I tell my kid.

I need to tell myself too.