When I look back at old posts, I see a search for joy. If we can just get to ______, that's when things will get better. Once I finish my degree, things will get easier. When the monkey is out of daycare, meaning we don't have to pay for it anymore, that's when we can relax. If we move to North Carolina, life will make sense. Vacation. Christmas cookies. Goals.
All of those things are great, don't get me wrong. They are all turning points. Some of them have come and gone. I completed my degree and have the job I want. I really love my job. Monkey is out of preschool and is gearing up for Kindergarten ($700 dollars back in my pocket, BTW). We went on vacation. Christmases have come and gone. But even with all of these hallmarks, one important thing didn't ever get even remotely better: my marriage. After many years of not being happy, after awhile I figured that it was what it was always going to be. I figured everyone's marriage was like that at some point. Eventually I came out of the fog of school and of orientation and started feeling all that depression I've been distracting myself from with said school and new job for 5 years. Then something happened that kicked my ass even harder.
I fell in love.
With a girl.
I felt all the things I've been wondering for years if I'd ever feel, emotional and physical. It was exciting and wonderful. I was honest with my husband and asked for the freedom to explore. It was granted under the agreement that it not end our marriage. She and I agreed that we would continue this wonderful thing as long as we could with no expectation of anything long term. It went on. I didn't want it to end. Love grew. For a good month or two I didn't have an appetite and slept way more than I needed. My husband and I would touch base once in a while about where I was with everything and I'd say something reassuring. He and I would go on dates, the same quiet dates we'd been going on for years and years. Then we'd come home, he to the computer, me to the TV. I was a mess the whole time. Just so depressed, crying at work or in bed at night unable to sleep, didn't eat much, unsure of what to do. The idea of ending our marriage, our partnership, was completely overwhelming. However, I was completely unwilling to end my other relationship because it was fulfilling. I didn't think I'd be able to not live with him, leave this house, to upset my daughters world so much. What would that do to her? You know, I'd better stay in this unhappy marriage for her. So many people do that. Being so unhappy kept me from being really present and patient with her. He and I finally came to the conclusion that we needed to end our marriage. It sucked so hard. It sucks now. Its a scary thing being quiet homebodies, about to re-enter the world. But we keep talking about it, what we would like it to look like, living arrangements, how to stay a family. We are both much more at peace the idea of it now. We get along really well, like old friends. We don't want it to be an ugly, hateful thing. We still love each other, after all. Even in divorce, we are still in this thing together.
Telling the family, his and mine, was tough. I basically had to come out of the closet after being married for 10 years. My parents were really supportive. My father said "it takes courage to be happy." He couldn't be more right. Seeing our strained relationship through their eyes has been really enlightening. His parents are taking it hard, but love me anywho. We know both sides will be there for us and Monkey and that is a relief. After dealing with it solo for 6 months, its a relief to have some support on both sides. I've yet to tell my friends, the ones that matter. They might read this before I tell them, but I hope they forgive me. We will talk eventually.
I have a calm about me now. The tears have eased up. Monkey and I are spending lots of time together. More presence, patience and fun. Less stress and frustration. I'm starting to look at little houses to rent. I'm spending time with my Lady. I don't have to continue an endless journey to find or make joy anymore. Its right here. It was always right here.
With courage,
Molly
1 comment:
You are loved.
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