Lots of tough stuff dealt with this week, still working. My husband and I are working on bridging gaps created by time, stress, child-rearing and stress. Did I mention stress? All I know is that having a healthy and long lasting relationship is hard work, but well worth it. Otherwise, everyone would get divorced at least once.
All of this stress seems to have brought the thought of religion into the foray again. I still am 100 percent positive that god doesn't exist. However, I still feel a spiritual pull in some ways. I don't believe in the nothing, there's something out there in the great beyond, the "Force" or whatever.
The status of the world is starting to make me really sad. Politics, politicians, the economy (not just here, but also abroad). Makes me want to move elsewhere, know what I mean? And I totally would if the immigration process wasn't so grueling.
Cheers!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Nervous Breakdown Update
Had a great heart to heart with my old man last night. I also did some homework and baked a loaf of Italian bread. All's well that gets better. And they have to get better.
Keeping Calm and Carrying On,
Molly
Keeping Calm and Carrying On,
Molly
Monday, November 15, 2010
Woman on the Verge of Nervous Breakdown.
This weekend was rough.
Saturday, after my sister in law decided to bail on baby sitting for a few hours so she could get a hair cut, I cleaned the house. I decided that I had to take our older car in for an oil change as it desperately needed attention. Daddy had planned a music date with a few new people, so it would be me and Bebe. When I went to start the car the battery was yet again dead. So, Derek helped me jump it and Bebe and I were on our way for what I had hoped would be an afternoon of fun.
I knew they'd give me a long wait time when I dropped off the car at Walmart, but I didn't really have a number in my head. I pulled into the little line of cars at the garage entrance. I decided to turn the car off and then back on to see if it would start. Of course it didn't start so I decided to bite the bullet and buy a battery as well. After waiting on the little guy to come out and check us in for a good 10 minutes, I decided to gather our stuff and Bebe and head on in to get things rolling. 3-4 hours was what he predicted. I signed on the little electronic screen and we were on our way. I had to make a return to Lowes, so I loaded Bebe into her stroller and headed over, as it was right next door. After that, we decided to head to a little shopping center behind Walmart and run into Marshalls and the Dollar Tree for fun. After that sucked (too many rude people, isles too small to maneuver) I decided to make the almost one mile trek to the Mall. Bebe was great in the stroller. We talked and sang on the way over.
When we got to the mall, our first stop was was the play area that is always infested with overly active kids that leap over, under and around. Its Bebe's favorite thing to do at the mall. She climbs and plays with Mama on all of the fun toys. I love watching her around, attempting to flirt with the other kids. She just kind of thoughtfully dives in. We played for a good while and then it was time for a diaper change. The bathroom close by was closed for cleaning, so we went to the cleanest one in the mall in Macy's. This is about the time I lost it. I remember on the way to Macy's, I just felt so alone and tired and had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I could feel the tears coming, but I worked hard to fight it because people were starting to look. Just trying to maneuver around the make-up counters and Christmas crap and the people in the front of the store was maddening. We finally made it in and being able to pick up and hold Bebe for a few seconds was good to steady me. I think she knows when I need her to be on her best. I asked Bebe if she wanted a pretzel or Cupcake, because either way we deserved a treat on this day of days. We decided on a pretzel...because I couldn't find the dang cupcake stand. Bebe was super tired and was sucking the thumb and a little grumpy. After walking almost the entire mall, greasy pretzel and bottle of water in hand, trying to find a chair to rest and eat in, I found a corner right outside Baby gap to stand and eat my pretzel...and cry. Yes, more tears! I was a hot mess. I basically cried off and on all afternoon. We eventually found a bench outside with one spot for my butt to rest before making our 1 mile hike back to Walmart. I let Bebe out of the stroller and she finally had a piece of pretzel and water.
The walk back to Walmart was chilly and windy, but that didn't keep Bebe, giant fuzzy teddy bear in arm, from falling fast asleep on the way. She was beat. Mama was beat but relieved for her to take a nap. We went and sat in the waiting room for a while so she could sleep and so I could rest. I grabbed a few groceries before going back to stand in line to hear what the damage was on the car. Then the best thing happened. The nice check out guy told me that they found a cheaper battery and installed that one. $45 instead of 75, no battery install fee. And, when I turned the key, the car started. We snuggled and watched Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and shared a pudding cup immediately upon our arrival at home.
The only conclusion I can come to is that my emotional state on Saturday was part chemical, part stress. Its just been building at an incredible rate lately what with money being tight, my job ending, school starting, my husband going back to part time hours and no current full time prospects and the lack of assistance I have on the home front. I do have some, I really do, but not enough. Too much is currently resting on my shoulders and my back is starting to break. I wish I was exaggerating, but when I think about it all and start doing the math, there is no other result but despair and rage. I'm starting to wonder if i need to head back to therapy, but that ultimately won't fix things unless things get better at home. I guess its family meeting time.
The end.
Saturday, after my sister in law decided to bail on baby sitting for a few hours so she could get a hair cut, I cleaned the house. I decided that I had to take our older car in for an oil change as it desperately needed attention. Daddy had planned a music date with a few new people, so it would be me and Bebe. When I went to start the car the battery was yet again dead. So, Derek helped me jump it and Bebe and I were on our way for what I had hoped would be an afternoon of fun.
I knew they'd give me a long wait time when I dropped off the car at Walmart, but I didn't really have a number in my head. I pulled into the little line of cars at the garage entrance. I decided to turn the car off and then back on to see if it would start. Of course it didn't start so I decided to bite the bullet and buy a battery as well. After waiting on the little guy to come out and check us in for a good 10 minutes, I decided to gather our stuff and Bebe and head on in to get things rolling. 3-4 hours was what he predicted. I signed on the little electronic screen and we were on our way. I had to make a return to Lowes, so I loaded Bebe into her stroller and headed over, as it was right next door. After that, we decided to head to a little shopping center behind Walmart and run into Marshalls and the Dollar Tree for fun. After that sucked (too many rude people, isles too small to maneuver) I decided to make the almost one mile trek to the Mall. Bebe was great in the stroller. We talked and sang on the way over.
When we got to the mall, our first stop was was the play area that is always infested with overly active kids that leap over, under and around. Its Bebe's favorite thing to do at the mall. She climbs and plays with Mama on all of the fun toys. I love watching her around, attempting to flirt with the other kids. She just kind of thoughtfully dives in. We played for a good while and then it was time for a diaper change. The bathroom close by was closed for cleaning, so we went to the cleanest one in the mall in Macy's. This is about the time I lost it. I remember on the way to Macy's, I just felt so alone and tired and had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I could feel the tears coming, but I worked hard to fight it because people were starting to look. Just trying to maneuver around the make-up counters and Christmas crap and the people in the front of the store was maddening. We finally made it in and being able to pick up and hold Bebe for a few seconds was good to steady me. I think she knows when I need her to be on her best. I asked Bebe if she wanted a pretzel or Cupcake, because either way we deserved a treat on this day of days. We decided on a pretzel...because I couldn't find the dang cupcake stand. Bebe was super tired and was sucking the thumb and a little grumpy. After walking almost the entire mall, greasy pretzel and bottle of water in hand, trying to find a chair to rest and eat in, I found a corner right outside Baby gap to stand and eat my pretzel...and cry. Yes, more tears! I was a hot mess. I basically cried off and on all afternoon. We eventually found a bench outside with one spot for my butt to rest before making our 1 mile hike back to Walmart. I let Bebe out of the stroller and she finally had a piece of pretzel and water.
The walk back to Walmart was chilly and windy, but that didn't keep Bebe, giant fuzzy teddy bear in arm, from falling fast asleep on the way. She was beat. Mama was beat but relieved for her to take a nap. We went and sat in the waiting room for a while so she could sleep and so I could rest. I grabbed a few groceries before going back to stand in line to hear what the damage was on the car. Then the best thing happened. The nice check out guy told me that they found a cheaper battery and installed that one. $45 instead of 75, no battery install fee. And, when I turned the key, the car started. We snuggled and watched Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and shared a pudding cup immediately upon our arrival at home.
The only conclusion I can come to is that my emotional state on Saturday was part chemical, part stress. Its just been building at an incredible rate lately what with money being tight, my job ending, school starting, my husband going back to part time hours and no current full time prospects and the lack of assistance I have on the home front. I do have some, I really do, but not enough. Too much is currently resting on my shoulders and my back is starting to break. I wish I was exaggerating, but when I think about it all and start doing the math, there is no other result but despair and rage. I'm starting to wonder if i need to head back to therapy, but that ultimately won't fix things unless things get better at home. I guess its family meeting time.
The end.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Keep Calm and Carry On, y'all
When I pulled a new checkbook out of the box this morning, I pulled out a register as well. I haven't kept a register in years, probably not since college when I had my first debit card. And let me tell you, I didn't keep it very well. These days I live almost pay check to pay check, so its time to start keeping detailed accounts of the monies we are spending. Primarily using a debit card makes it disappear oh, so quickly. I also have a balance on my credit card that makes me nervous, so I am going to start working harder to avoid using so I can whittle the balance down. It will be tough, but is doable.
I have a big weekend coming up, including shopping and a war on Squirrels. Our house has wood siding and its about 30 years old. It has taken a beating from the weather, etc. Now the squirrels in the neighborhood are trying to make their winter homes there and they've been telling their friends how easy it is to get in through the handy holds they have made. Many of the holes have been patched, but no matter, they just make another...right next to the one you've just patched. Its disheartening. What it comes down to is that we need new siding on two sides of our house. The rest of the house is fine. So on Saturday we will be hosing the siding down with some "critter ridder" spray (it smells like deer piss), patching holes that we can reach and installing a critter ridder device in the attic. I will keep you posted on the results of these pending efforts.
Have a super awesome weekend,
Molly
I have a big weekend coming up, including shopping and a war on Squirrels. Our house has wood siding and its about 30 years old. It has taken a beating from the weather, etc. Now the squirrels in the neighborhood are trying to make their winter homes there and they've been telling their friends how easy it is to get in through the handy holds they have made. Many of the holes have been patched, but no matter, they just make another...right next to the one you've just patched. Its disheartening. What it comes down to is that we need new siding on two sides of our house. The rest of the house is fine. So on Saturday we will be hosing the siding down with some "critter ridder" spray (it smells like deer piss), patching holes that we can reach and installing a critter ridder device in the attic. I will keep you posted on the results of these pending efforts.
Have a super awesome weekend,
Molly
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Time Flies...All the Time
Time has seriously flown by this year. Here we are in freakin' November already. What the H? Last night was election night. It was an bloody race all the way to the finish line. I'm sad, I'm relieved, and I'm scared for what is to come in the next 2 years. I would also like to say that we arrived at our polling place last night at 6:05PM. The polls officially closed at 6:00PM. They wouldn't let us vote and I bawled all the way home. So angry, so heartbroken, inconsolable. Well, that is until Bebe saw me and asked me why "mama sad?" That kid is more amazing to me every day.Bebe and I are driving to WV Friday evening to visit with the family. We are due for some hugs and visiting time. I just want an excuse to run away with my baby for a few days, laundry be damned. I'll deal with it next week. Sunday I'll return just in time to go to Roller Derby practice. That should be fairly exciting.
3 weeks until the in-laws arrive for Thanksgiving. I think they will be surprised at how much Bebe has changed since they saw her last. She's a real good communicator now and she might even be more adept at the whole potty thing by then (or not). I'm also thinking that this year's celebration will be slightly lower key than last year. Bored? Go read chapters 1, 2, 3 and 4.
Halloween was a blast, but now its time to move into the holiday season. Its my favorite time of year and I am so ready for it. I will be venturing into the wide world of "exterior illumination" this year. I'm putting on my Clark W. Griswold, Jr. hat because I'm finally ready. Lets do this.
Lets go make the yule tide gay, baby,
Molly